From Rags to Riches: The True Story of Sir Scrump, First Knight of the Derpsguard

This, Kara, is a true, unfiltered story about my cat.

  
Once upon a time (for that is how all good stories should begin), Scrump was born to the cold, hard streets of Tempe. A born leader and naturally scrappy, Scrump set about living the life of a thug-cat. Life was hard, but Scrump was healthy, handsome and good with the ladies, so he knew to count his blessings.

 

I didnt choose the thug life, it choose me.

 
Until one fateful day that would change his life forever.

While walking down an alleyway, Scrump saw two foxy (albeit sickly) ladies hanging out in a cozy cage. He thought, “Baby, damn. Could life get any easier?” and sauntered in. Little did he know that the evil witch of Tempe, Alison with One El, had captured him and the foxy ladies to bring them to her castle (to probably devour them whole)!

Certain he would spend his days locked in a dungeon, only to be fattened up and eaten by the evil witch, Scrump tried with all of his might to free himself from the cage. But that was not what fate designed.

Scrump entered the castle with Idgie and Ruth (the two foxy ladies from before. Scrump is a damn gentleman and wouldn’t be so crass as to call them foxy ladies after getting to know them for their wonderful personalities and charm) only to find out that they weren’t destined for the dungeon after all! For Alison with One El was not an evil witch, but an angel sent from heaven to save all the kitties in the land of Tempe and take away their man/lady parts.

  
Living in the life of luxury, but separated from his lady loves for Propriety’s sake, Scrump decided that he would never go back to the cold, hard streets of Tempe. But that he would have to mess with Propriety.

 

Stupid Propriety

 
A few days into his master plans, he met two humans named Steffi and Andrew. Andrew and Scrump took one look at each other and fell deeply into brolove. Scrump knew that he would be forever happy if he got to hang out with his new ultimatebro all the time. But after an hour of some serious loving, Andrew and Steffi left him with the angel, Alison with One El. Scrump was devastated, and threw himself into his master plan.

  
For, you see, Scrump missed his lady loves and knew he needed to break them free from Propriety. Late at night, he set his plan into motion and free Idgie from Propriety’s evil clutches (Ruthie was cool staying in Propriety because it had a heating blanket and she was comfy. Scrump knows how to respect a lady by not forcing his wishes on her. #feministkitty). His plan worked! Him and Idgie were free!

Together they played until the angel, Alison with One El, came and busted up their good times. A few hours later, Ultimatebro Andrew appeared! Scrump said, “Bro! I never thought I’d see you again.” Andrew didn’t respond because humans can’t speak cat, but Scrump knew he was going home (after a swift visit to the vet).

 

I’ll only have my man parts for three more months!

 
Scrump now resides in a small kingdom within the land of Scottsdale called Derpington. He is respectful to Lord Derperoni-and-Cheese, friendly with Harveyseed, the Duke of Derpington (who came from his hood but hasn’t told him that yet), and was recently knighted as the First Knight of the Derpsguard. He has been ordered to protect his Human Mommy, Steffi, from any and all bugs and to spend days making muffins on his Ultimatebro’s belly. He will live a happy and healthy life, full of love and adoration, until the end of his days.

The End.

Teeny McBeanie

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