Hi Keddahbean and Cheese,
You’ve talked quite a bit on this blog about how you’re bad at adulting. And that’s just a lie, because according to Steffi’s Guide to Adulting, you’re doing just fine.
Also after every point, please see this gif.
- Money. Bills. Savings. Life. Just get your shit together and don’t be a putz.
- Go to bed and wake up around the same time. Bedtimes are the coolest fucking thing that ever existed. That’s why old people do it.
- Get your ass up in the morning with enough time to get wherever you need to go (better be your fucking JOB. SEE NUMBER 1) and not be rushed. You need to be able to moisturize your goddamned face before you fly out the door and if you can shove some cereal into your face, even better.
- Take your goddamn vitamins. Is your hair brittle? Nails brittle? Feeling lackluster? POP THOSE FUCKERS EVERY GODDAMN MORNING OR I’LL END YOU.
- If you touch your face with your dirty, germy, crusty-ass hands – I swear to god I WILL CUT THEM OFF.
- Make some fucking time for you already. You deserve a goddamn nap or nine, okay? YOU’RE IMPORTANT CUZ YOU’RE GETTING OLDER AND IF YOU GET WRINKLES BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T DEAL WITH YOUR STRESS YOU DESERVE EXPENSIVE BOTOX BILLS.
- CLEAN YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SHEETS. ONCE A WEEK. Otherwise you’re sleeping on Satan’s asscrusties. And that’s FUCKING GROSS.
- Make your own goddamn coffee. It’s too much at Starbucks and YOU’RE A GROWN ASS PERSON. Cold brew is the EASIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD. I’ll make a post on it SO YOU HAVE NO DAMN EXCUSES.
- If you have moldy towels, I swear to god. I WILL PUT RAZORS INTO YOUR MOLDY TOWELS AND WATCH YOU SUFFER. Get your ass some bleach, clean your goddamn moldy ass towels. I can’t even look at you.
- Speaking of laundry. If you’re not separating your colors, darks and whites, using bleach when needed, you’re going to have to leave right now.
- Don’t even LOOK at Ikea furniture. And when you do, because you’re SCUM, know what you can and can’t buy. No, that bed won’t last you more than a month STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY, DAMNIT.
- Read. A Fucking. Book.
If you’re able to accomplish 6/12 of these items on a regular basis, my darling, you are adulting and I love you. If not, YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN A SAVAGE!!! (Except you, Keddah, because you’re perfect and without fault and I love you but EVERYONE ELSE. SCUM.)